"Young Earth Grows Up Retarded"
(October 2007)
Quitcher and I were writing some new Halloween songs the other day, and we needed to get good and angry. As such, we flipped on the tube, and tuned to one of the christian stations. Well, to our delight, there was some retard giving a lecture on why the earth is only 6000 years old.
As usual, he was dishing out the usual load of tripe about how scientists, and Jews, are all infidels, and are all in a cabal that is out to brainwash your kids into not believing the christian bible, and therefore cause them to stop paying evangelists huge wads of cash. He made all sorts of accusations about how science is a big lie (just like the moon landing), and then created a bunch of false data to back up their claims. Now for the sake of brevity, I will leave out all the info as to why young-earth creationists are full of shit, but I can provide it upon request. Nonetheless, there is one thing that was fucking hilarious, and we would like to share that with you.
At one point, he brings up, very briefly, that some people have pointed out that there are some animals that live in saltwater, but had once lived in fresh water. In this case, specifically, he mentions crocodiles. Now, anybody with half of a brain would say "yeah, it is called evolution, jackass," while those with a whole brain might quip "yes, another manner of evidence that agrees with the notion of a theory of evolution in organisms, you ill-bred fool." But, of course, he can't say that it is evolution, because that is a lie, right? Instead, to paraphrase, he states "well, that just means they adapted." Wait a minute, animals adapted? Aren't you just saying they evolved, using different language? "No," he says, as evolution would have us believe that crocodiles came from a rock, where we just say that they changed a little. Well, aside from the fact that evolution has nothing to do with rocks (not that the hillbillies in the audience would know that), he is trying to weasel out of a corner by using different wording. After all, if you know anything about biology, you would know that the ability to regulate ion gradients, and such, is determined primarily by genetics. You can take a freshwater fish, and give it its whole life to try and adapt to saltwater, and it will still die if you plunge it in the ocean. So, he just admitted that genetic variation, natural selection, and, yes, evolution (no matter what word he used to describe it) is real.
This brings up another point, of course, and it is that he actually helps the case of evolutionists. He does this by suggesting that saltwater crocodiles evolved, or, ahem, "adapted" sometime over the course of only a couple of millennia, at the most, or a few years, at the least. Now, one of the arguments creationists, particularly the old-earthers, hold against evolution is that there is just too much that needed to happen, and not enough time. If crocodiles can evolve from freshwater to saltwater in such a short time, why can't complex life have evolved in the 2-4 billion years we have had to evolve? Oh, I forgot, scientists are lying to us! For shits and giggles, he also shames these old-earthers, saying that they are calling god a liar for not believing the bible, which is his infallible word (the same bible promoting rape, incest, infanticide, slavery, murder, and all sorts of crazy things).
Two more thing I would like to point out: one is that he lies about the oldest living organism being only 4-5000 years old (evidence suggests 2 to 3 times older than that), and he lies about the erosion rate of rivers and falls, while completely throwing out the effects of glacial migration. Of course, since dating methods are lies, too, then they can't even believe their own "proof," but who would expect anything more from these people?
- Blasten Pastyah, esq.
QUITCH SEZ: THE PIECE OF FUCKIN' SHIT GIVING THE "LECTURE" WAS NONE OTHER THAN KENT HOVIND, WHO IS CURRENTLY SERVING TEN YEARS BEHIND BARS FOR 58 TAX OFFENSES, OBSTRUCTING FEDERAL AGENTS, AND OTHER SHIT. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THAT FUCKIN' RETARD IS GETTING RAPED IN PRISON RIGHT NOW. YEAH!!!
______________________________________________
"FAT FUCK FALWELL IS TOTALLY FUCKIN' DEAD!!!"
(15 May 2007)
THAT STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT IS NOW A LIFELESS SACK OF DOUGHY TURDS THAT SHALL OOZE AND ROT IN THE FUCKING EARTH LIKE A FAGGY PUS-FILLED BALLOON DEFLATING IN A FILTHY TOILET!!!
RARELY IS BADITUDE SO ECSTATIC, BUT WHEN ONE OF OUR SWORN ENEMIES BITES THE FUCKIN' DUST, IT IS TIME 2 CELEBRATE!!! WE WILL ATTEND THE FUNERAL AND DESECRATE FALWELL'S UGLY CORPSE IN THE MOST EXTREMELY AWESOME OF WAYS! WE'RE TALKIN' ELBOW DROPS, LEG DROPS, SLEDGEHAMMER SMASHES, AND A FIERY FINALE! FUCK YEAH!!! AND THEN, AT AN AS-OF-YET UNDETERMINED TIME IN THE FUTURE, WE SHALL ORGANIZE A HUGE PARTY THAT SHALL TAKE PLACE AT FALWELL'S GRAVE, WHERE EVERYONE TAKES A HUGE DUMP ALL OVER IT. IT IS GOING TO BE TITS!
ROT IN PISS, MOTHERFUCKER! BADITUDE DOESN'T CARE HOW RICH, POWERFUL AND RELIGIOUS YOU ARE - AT SOME POINT, YOU'RE GONNA FUCKIN' DIE AND ALL OF US AWESOME DUDES ARE GOING TO ROCK THE FUCK OUT IN YOUR ABSENCE. SUCK IT!!!
NEXT UP ON THE DEATH LIST - FALWELL'S GAY LOVER, MARION GORDON "PAT" ROBERTSON. LET'S JUST SAY THAT ONE OF HIS FUTURE WORKOUT ROUTINES IS GOING TO TAKE AN UNEXPECTED, FATAL TURN FOR THE WORST...
TOP THAT!!!!!
QUITCHER BICHEN
______________________________________________
"HA!!! CHECK THIS GAY SHIT OUT!!!"
(20 Apr 2007)
FROM YAHOO NEWS:
Catholic Church buries limbo after centuries
VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Roman Catholic Church has effectively buried the concept of limbo, the place where centuries of tradition and teaching held that babies who die without baptism went.
In a long-awaited document, the Church's International Theological Commission said limbo reflected an "unduly restrictive view of salvation."
The 41-page document was published on Friday by Origins, the documentary service of the U.S.-based Catholic News Service, which is part of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.
Pope Benedict, himself a top theologian who before his election in 2005 expressed doubts about limbo, authorized the publication of the document, called "The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptised."
The verdict that limbo could now rest in peace had been expected for years. The document was seen as most likely the final word since limbo was never part of Church doctrine, even though it was taught to Catholics well into the 20th century.
"The conclusion of this study is that there are theological and liturgical reasons to hope that infants who die without baptism may be saved and brought into eternal happiness even if there is not an explicit teaching on this question found in revelation," it said.
"There are reasons to hope that God will save these infants precisely because it was not possible (to baptize them)."
The Church teaches that baptism removes original sin which stains all souls since the fall from grace in the Garden of Eden.
"NO NEGATION OF BAPTISM"
The document stressed that its conclusions should not be interpreted as questioning original sin or "used to negate the necessity of baptism or delay the conferral of the sacrament."
Limbo, which comes from the Latin word meaning "border" or "edge," was considered by medieval theologians to be a state or place reserved for the unbaptized dead, including good people who lived before the coming of Christ.
"People find it increasingly difficult to accept that God is just and merciful if he excludes infants, who have no personal sins, from eternal happiness, whether they are Christian or non-Christian," the document said.
It said the study was made all the more pressing because "the number of nonbaptised infants has grown considerably, and therefore the reflection on the possibility of salvation for these infants has become urgent."
The commission's conclusions had been widely expected.
In writings before his election as Pope in 2005, the then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger made it clear he believed the concept of limbo should be abandoned because it was "only a theological hypothesis" and "never a defined truth of faith."
In the Divine Comedy, Dante placed virtuous pagans and great classical philosophers, including Plato and Socrates, in limbo. The Catholic Church's official catechism, issued in 1992 after decades of work, dropped the mention of limbo.
___________________
OH MAN, WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!!! IT DOESN'T TAKE A LEARNED PROFESSOR OF LOGICAL RATIONALISM TO READ THAT NEWS BIT AND SEE JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED THE POPE, THE VATICAN, THE LEGIONS OF CATHOLICS, AND ORGANIZED RELIGION IN GENERAL ARE!
SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT - THESE KATHOLIK PEOPLE CAN JUST DECIDE TO FORGET A CONCEPT THAT HAS BEEN AN INTEGRAL PART OF THEIR FAITH FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS?! IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE, IS IT?
THEOLOGIAN 1 - "LOOKS LIKE A CERTAIN PORTION OF OUR BULLSHIT BELIEF SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK WITH MODERN CIRCUMSTANCES! BETTER DITCH IT!"
THEOLOGIAN 2 - "NO PROBLEMO! WE'RE CONSTANTLY REWRITING THE SACRED RULES TO SUIT OUR OWN AGENDAS!"
THIS IS SOME OF THE STUPIDEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. AND BAD FANS, THIS RIGHT HERE IS UNDENIABLE PROOF THE EVEN THE RICHEST, MOST POWERFUL RELIGIONS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN CREATIONS BY POWERFUL HUMANS AND EXIST TO CONTROL THE MASSES. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO BIBLICAL, DEITY-BASED "REASONING" IN THIS DECISION TO DITCH "LIMBO." A CONSORTIUM OF THEOLOGIANS (THEOLOGIANS BEING WORTHLESS SHITFUCKS), WHO ARE MERE MORTALS, JUST SAID "HEY, LET'S GET RID OF LIMBO." FOR INSTANCE, IF THERE WERE MENTION OF "LIMBO" IN THE BIBLE, THEN THE CHRISTIANS CAN SPEND ALL DAY FIGHTING ABOUT IT. WHO FUCKIN' CARES? BUT THERE IS NO LIMBO-ACTION IN THE BIBLE - IT, LIKE ALL CATHOLIC BELIEFS, ARE MERELY DECREES BY KING POPE TO BE BLINDLY FOLLOWED BY RETARDS. AND THEN, ONE DAY, IT IS GONE! THE HUMAN MIND, OR LACK OF IT, IS A FUNNY THING.
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER - WHAT OF ALL THOSE UNSAVED "SOULS" THAT USED TO BE IN LIMBO-LAND? SO, TEN YEARS AGO, THERE WERE DEAD BABIES IN LIMBO...NOW THEY'RE GONE? AND ALL THE EGYPTIANS THAT DIED BEFORE THAT ASSHOLE JESUS CAME AND WENT? THEY USED TO BE IN LIMBO-LAND, RIGHT? NOT ANYMORE! RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ARE AWESOME - AND DANGEROUS AS FUCK!
I USED TO ALWAYS WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE STUPID BABIES THAT GOT ANNIHILATED BY ABORTIONS, IN THE MIND OF A CHRISTIAN. IF THEY'RE SO HUNG UP ON HEAVEN AND HELL AND SHIT, THE DEAD BABIES HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE. THAT'S WHERE LIMBO-LAND COMES INTO PLAY. APPARENTLY, IT WAS FULL OF IMMOBILE FOETUSES THAT JUST SAT THERE IN A PUDDLE OF THEIR OWN FLUIDS, DOING NOTHING. I WONDER WHAT THOSE DUMBFUCK CATHOLICS ARE GOING TO DREAM UP NEXT - THAT THERE'S A SPECIAL HEAVEN FOR DEAD FOETUSES? I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. AND OF COURSE, LIKE ALL ROMAN CATHOLIC LAWS:
IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEIR GOD PERSONALLY TELLING THEM ANYTHING!!! THEIR IRRESPONSIBLE MONGOLOID GOD DOESN'T HAVE TO DO SHIT!
SO FAR, THE FUCKIN' BIBLE IS THE ONLY SUPPOSED "WRITTEN WORD OF GOD." AND THE POPES JUST KEEP MAKING UP CRAZY RULES CUZ HE'S MAD WITH POWER. THIS IS ALL HARDCORE BULLSHIT AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO NUKE THE VATICAN.
AND HOW ABOUT THIS - IF LIMBO-LAND IS NOW JUST AN AFTER-THOUGHT AND DIDN'T ACTUALLY EXIST, EXCEPT FOR IN PEOPLES' HEADS, THEN WHAT MAKES HEAVEN OR HELL EXIST? COULDN'T THOSE PLACES BE JUST AS FAKE AND WORTHLESS AS LIMBO? DO HEAVEN AND HELL ONLY EXIST IN PEOPLES' PARANOID MINDS? BADITUDE SEZ YES!!!!
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?
BADITUDE RULES! TOP THAT!
QUITCH
______________________________________________
"SOMEONE WANTS A FUCKIN' FIGHT WITH BADITUDE!!!"
(15 Aug 2006)
LISTEN UP, YOU SON OF A BITCHES:
BADITUDE IS PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT THE GAYEST FUCKIN' BAND ON MYSPACE WANTS A FUCKIN' FIGHT WITH BADITUDE. ALLOW US TO GIVE YOU THE PLAY-BY-PLAY:
BADITUDE POSTED A PAST WEB-LOG ENTITLED "CHRISTIANS ARE FUCKING RETARDED," BECAUSE THEY ARE AND THE WEB-LOG CONTAINS PROOF. AND THEN TODAY, A COMMENT WAS POSTED ON THAT WEB-LOG, WHICH SAYS THE FOLLOWING:
"planned parenthood in africa?..... maybe china?! oh, here in the states. interesting. oooh let's kill another child, just in case he manages to figure out the cure for cancer! or aids! oh wait, mankind wants that cure... right?... so abortion is cool right? jeez your missinformation and incorrect blame game has got us so confused! i guess we are retarded, oh wait, mentally challenged are people too, maybe we're just stupid, stupid, like you! bring it, you no talent clowns!"
AND HERE IS THE SHITTY BAND OF FAGGOTS THAT LEFT THE MESSAGE:
AMALGAM
BADITUDE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THAT COMMENT OR THE BAND THAT LEFT IT. TRULY, ONE WOULD HAVE TO BE SEVERELY RETARDED TO FUCK WITH BADITUDE ON OUR OWN TURF. AND TO PROVE THE RETARDEDNESS OF THOSE DIPSHITS, THE GRAMMAR AND SPELLING OF THE COMMENT ARE HORRENDOUS AT BEST. THE COMMENT-POSTER MUST HAVE REALLY STRUGGLED TO FORMULATE THAT MESSAGE WHILE SLAPPING THEIR CHEST UNCONTROLLABLY AND DROOLING ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE (AND FIGHTING BACK THEIR HARD-ON WHILE THINKING ABOUT JESUS).
AND THEN THERE'S THE CONTENT OF THE COMMENT. THEY UTILIZE THE TIRED ARGUMENT OF THE DEAD BABIES BEING POTENTIAL GREAT SCIENTISTS WHO WOULD CURE DISEASE. FUCK THAT! THE SAME ARGUMENT CAN BE MADE THAT THE DEAD BABIES COULD POTENTIALLY (AND MORE LIKELY) BE SERIAL KILLERS, CHILD MOLESTERS, OR CRAZED, DRUG-ADDICTED BUMS. MORE IMPORANTLY, THE DEAD BABIES ARE CURRENTLY A DELICIOUS MEAL! AND APPARENTLY BADITUDE ARE "NO TALENT CLOWNS." WHOA, DUDE. THAT HURTS. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BADITUDE IS SO LOADED WITH TALENT, IT OOZES FROM OUR PORES LIKE SWEAT!
NOW, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE BAND, AMALGAM. AN "AMALGAM" IS A COMBINATION, AND THESE FAGS ARE A COMBINATION OF GAY SHIT AND A GIANT, AIDS-ENCRUSTED DICK. JUST LISTEN TO THEIR MUSIC, IF YOU DARE. PURE GUITAR GARBAGE. PLUS, THAT AWESOME ANIME ARTWORK IS SO FUCKING COOL. IT MAKES ME WANT TO WATCH DRAGON BALLZ AND PLAY X-BOX.
THEY ARE CHRISTIANS AND THEY ARE FROM TEXAS...BIG FUCKING SURPRISE! I'LL BET THEY PLAY SHOWS AT THE MANY LOCAL MEGACHURCHES TO A CROWD OF LITTLE ASSHOLES WHO HOLD THEIR HANDS IN THE AIR, CLOSE THEIR EYES, AND SWAY.
BASICALLY, IT WOULD TAKE ONLY ONE MEMBER OF BADITUDE TO COMPLETELY ANNIHILATE ALL FOUR OF THOSE DOUCHEBAGS. WHICH WILL IT BE?
TOP THAT,
BADITUDE
______________________________________________
(17 Jul 2006)
THE ACTUAL MESSAGE SENT TO AN OHIO-BASED CHRISTIAN GROUP KNOWN AS THE OHIO RESTORATION PROJECT:
Attention Ohio Restoration Project:
First of all, it's awesome that the IRS is investigating Mr. Johnson for possible violations of a law that prohibits churches and charities from participating in political campaigns. It's not very Christian to break the law, Russell.
Anyways, my name is Quitcher Bichen and I am writing on behalf of my audio-entertainment/social upheaval collaboration known as "BADITUDE." We, too, are from Ohio (up north a bit), but unlike you, we are hardcore atheists with actual college educations. We, as BADITUDE, think that your "Ohio Restoration Project" is excessively retarded and we cannot wait for you to fail miserably. We, as BADITUDE, are totally sick of you Christians trying to infect politics with your antiquated, backwards views. Your supposed "Christian Morals" are as useless as they are pointless and BADITUDE completely rejects them. Your pursuit of a theocracy is unconstitutional and would result in making America the western equivalent of the Middle East. We, as BADITUDE, regularly engage in purchasing and viewing pornography, perpetrating violent acts on others, using steroids, supporting abortion at all times, reading about and accepting evolution, and to put it quite simply, we party heartily and don't give a shit what you think and you can never stop us or change us. We represent a section of Ohio that you will never control or "restore."
Allow me to take this opportunity to challenge you all to a no-holds-barred street fight. That is correct; I propose a battle that would feature myself and my cohort, Blasten Pastyah, versus all four of you Ohio Restoration Project halfwits. You name the time and place, and BADITUDE will be there, ready for a fight. As per street fight rules, no blades or firearms are allowed, only blunt objects and environmental hazards. I should warn you that Blasten Pastyah and myself are disciplined warriors with various wrestling and martial arts skills at our disposal. Blasten is very strong in a kickboxing style, whilst I stick to more of a wrestling/brawling style.
Failure to comply to this no-holds-barred street fight invitation means that you will be disqualified and BADITUDE wins by default. We will then spread the word that the Ohio Restoration Project was no match for BADITUDE.
Top that,
Quitcher Bichen, one-half of BADITUDE
_________
8/1/06: BADITUDE HAS FINALLY RECEIVED A REPLY.
HERE IS PROOF OF JUST HOW FUCKING LAME ALL CHRISTIANS ARE. IT IS A REPLY FROM ONE OF THOSE DICKS FROM THE OHIO RESTORATION PROJECT THAT BADITUDE E-MAILED: THE SHITFUCK BY THE NAME OF "KARMEN RASE" (WHAT A GAY NAME). HERE IS THE REPLY:
Hey ya all....sorry to say....but you missed it. The fight has already been fought and without Christ...you loose.
Karmen
WHAT THE FUCK??!!!!! KARMEN IS A FUCKING RETARD! SO IS CHRIST! AND THIS IS THE ONLY REPLY RECEIVED FROM THE OHIO RESTORATION PROJECT. THEREFORE, THEY ARE ALL RETARDED AND THEY LOSE! AND THAT IS THE PROPER SPELLING..."LOSE." HOLY SHIT. BADITUDE URGES YOU ALL TO E-MAIL KARMEN RASE AND TELL IT JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED IT IS. HERE IS IT'S E-MAIL ADDRESS:
krase@ohiorestorationproject.com
WHOEVER E-MAILS KARMEN AND RECEIVES A REPLY GETS A FREE BADITUDE T-SHIRT.
TOP THAT,
BADITUDE
______________________________________________
"BADIO"
(23 May 2006)
THANKS TO THE SUPREMELY AWESOME SUPPORT OF LOCAL K-ROQ RADIO PERSONALITY IGGY, BADITUDE HAS JUST DOMINATED THE CLEVELAND AIRWAVES FOR OVER 4 MINUTES. THE CLASSIC BADITUDE SONG "BICEPS" HAS BEEN UNLEASHED. MANY PEOPLES' STEREOS HAVE UNDOUBTEDLY EXPLODED DURING THE SONIC BOOM THAT IS "BICEPS." SEVERAL UNSUSPECTING MOTORISTS, WHILE LISTENING TO "BICEPS" ON 92.3, MUST HAVE CRASHED THEIR VEHICLES AFTER THEY SPAZZED OUT DURING THE AUDIO ASSAULT OF "BICEPS." (HEY BRAD, ARE YOU OK?) RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE PROBABLY RIOTS IN THE STREETS OF CLEVELAND DUE TO "BICEPS."
IGGY, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MASSIVE CHAOS. THERE'S BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS.
TOP THAT,
BADITUDE
______________________________________________
(06 Apr 2006)
"CURRENT EVENTS"
DUDES, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THINGS LIKE IRAQ AND IMMIGRANTS LATELY. IF BADITUDE READ NEWSPAPERS, WE WOULD PROBABLY SEE THESE WORDS WRITTEN SEVERAL TIMES. SERIOUSLY, WHO FUCKIN' CARES? IRAQ AND IMMIGRANTS CAN ALL SUCK A DICK. FUCK THEM AND FUCK THE RETARDED FAGS WHO THINK THAT IRAQ AND IMMIGRANTS ARE WORTH MENTIONING AT ANY GIVEN TIME EVER. PERHAPS IF PEOPLE HIT THE GYM AND WORKED OUT INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT THE OTHER COUNTRIES AND CITIZENS OF OTHER COUNTRIES, THEN MAYBE THE COUNTRY THAT THEY LIVE IN, THE U.S. OF A., WOULDN'T BE OVERRUN BY A RECORD-BREAKING AMOUNT OF LAZY FAT FUCK NERDS. THINK ABOUT IT...ONCE AGAIN, BADITUDE IS CORRECT. GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!
TOP THAT,
BADITUDE
______________________________________________
"STORYTELLERS: SAVAGE MONDO BLITZERS - BEHIND THE MUSIC"
(15 Jan 2006)
ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, IT'S TIME 2 SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE LATEST BADITUDE ALBUM, "SAVAGE MONDO BLITZERS"! MORE SPECIFICALLY, IT'S TIME 2 TAKE A LOOK AT THE SONGS ON THE ALBUM AND WHAT THE FUCK THEY EVEN MEAN AND WHAT KIND OF KNOWLEDGE BADITUDE WOULD LIKE TO SHARE. EACH SONG HAS IT'S OWN STORY TO TELL: SOMETIMES ABOUT WORKING OUT, SOMETIMES ABOUT KICKING ASS - SOME ARE ABOUT BOTH OF THOSE, AND SOME ARE NEITHER. THE WORLD OF BADITUDE IS FAR MORE COMPLEX THAN ALL OF THAT OTHER SHITTY MUSIC YOU LISTEN TO...COMPLEX LIKE THE CARBS IN THE RICE WE EAT BEFORE A VIGOROUS WORKOUT. READ ON TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT MOTIVATES BADITUDE TO WRITE THEIR MUSICAL MASTERPIECES!
1. Exercism 2: Turbo: Recall, if you will, BADITUDE’s debut album. It featured a hard-hitting song called "Exercism." This song provided insight into BADITUDE’s insane workout routine and established a template by which the listener could begin on a road towards true BADITUDE. More than just a mere workout routine, it was a primer for living. It is sort of like Dianetics, except that it isn’t a bunch of gay, sci-fi based, pseudo-scientific bullshit (and BADITUDE isn’t shitty pulp writers turned drugged-out faggots like L. Ron Hubbard). Well, as you might have guessed, there is a lot more to attaining BADITUDE than one song could contain. So, here we present you with the next installment. This “Turbo” edition reveals even more hidden truths; truths which were much too awesome for the uninitiated, and thus had to be exempt from the first edition of Exercism. It is the next stepping stone in a path toward helping the listener rid himself of flab, nerd germs and being a stupid fag.
2. Punch A Christian (In The Face): As you may very well be aware, one of BADITUDE's stated goals is the brutal beating of certain peoples (and we have been quite successful). For instance, nerds are often targeted by BADITUDE's fists. But in this case, BADITUDE's sights have once again been set upon Christians (a previous assault being BADITUDE's "Religion Is 4 The Weak"). More specifically, this song is aimed squarely at the likes of Pat Robertson (one of Christianity's leading assholes) and all of his friends and allies. After years of non-stop tyranny and bullshit by these moral crusaders, BADITUDE has had enough! The madness has got to end, and soon! This song lays out a detailed plan of what BADITUDE would do to a Christian, and why. BADITUDE's actions are very justifiable and should be supported by all BADITUDE fans. If you're not with us, you're dead meat.
3. A Lethal Dose of BADITUDE: Some people just love to talk shit. Even after seeing the massive destruction inflicted by BADITUDE, they still don’t get it. This song is a warning to all of the fucking assholes who just don’t know when to shut their cock-sucking mouths. BADITUDE isn’t joking. BADITUDE will seriously kill you if you fuck with us, especially if you are some D-bag retard who has no business talking any kind of shit in the first place. And don’t even bother to ask your god for help. If you cross BADITUDE, you will find yourself in a powerless situation, where BADITUDE will be the supreme beings, and you will be theirs to destroy as they deem fit. So, listen to this song and make sure to take note. You do not want to put yourself on the wrong side of BADITUDE.
4. Don't Stand In Line: This song is originally by the band Pailhead, released in 1988 - around the time when the members of BADITUDE began hitting the gym and training to fight, at the ages of 8 (after getting really into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and action-packed arcade games). The lyrics to this song definitely speak of BADITUDE's aggressive opposition to authority or anyone trying to tell them what to do, as well as the motivational aspects of BADITUDE music. Similar sentiments can be found on the last song of the album, "Go 4 It."
5. Urban Rebounder: Fitness jumping has been used in rehabilitative settings for over 30 years. With the URBAN REBOUNDING Program, this well-researched technology is now available as a Group Fitness approach to create the ultimate cardiovascular workout suitable for the gym. The URBAN REBOUNDING Program is accomplished by jumping only a few inches off the surface of the URBAN REBOUNDING fitness equipment and reduces the jarring impact associated with other types of aerobic exercise. The URBAN REBOUNDING Program is a fun workout for all ages, shapes, and sizes. The URBAN REBOUNDING Program is a safe, effective style of aerobics that provides a surprisingly challenging cardiovascular workout without excess stress on the heart, muscles and joints. Taught entirely on a unique spring-enhanced device (NOT a fuckin' trampoline), this type of exercise allows the body to work harder, for a longer period of time, because the body is not absorbing the shock and stress of hard-surface workouts.
What do I get out of The URBAN REBOUNDING Program?
• A calorie-burning, strength-training workout that's offered as both a group fitness class in fitness centers around the country and as an in-home, independent workout.
• A fun workout that builds strength, cardiovascular capacity, and balance without jarring the body like other exercises.
• Instructors accredited by ACE (American Council of Exercise) or AFAA (Aerobics Fitness Association of America).
• A martial arts-rooted workout that elevates your heart rate, is safe and effective, and helps participants quickly achieve their fitness goals.
• A workout that is more than just cardiovascular movements. (Abdominal exercises, squats, lunges, push-ups, dips are all part of the workout.)
• Please consult with your physician before starting any exercise program
Where can you experience The URBAN REBOUNDING Program?
The URBAN REBOUNDING Group Fitness Program is presently in some of the largest fitness centers throughout the country:
• Bally Total Fitness
• Nilbog
• NY Health & Raquet Clubs
• Houstonian Health Clubs
• The Sporting Clubs of LA
• Equinox?• HealthWorks
• Crunch Fitness International
• Gold's Gym
The URBAN REBOUNDING Program has been highlighted on national television shows such as:
• "The View with Barbara Walters"
• "The Today Show"
• "Donny and Marie"
The URBAN REBOUNDING Program has been featured in such magazines as:
• Fitness
• Ace Fitness Magazine
• Fit
What makes The URBAN REBOUNDING Program effective?
• Simultaneously works all the major muscle groups
• Provides a calorie burning, cardiovascular, strength conditioning workout
• Incorporates simple, martial arts based movements in a coordinated way
• Builds stamina, strength and balance
• Lets you have fun!
6. Bench Or Die: Another one of BADITUDE's songs about a particular workout routine, with specific information pertaining to the motions of the bench press and how to successfully perform one, as well as supplemental information about the nature of the bench press, the muscle groups involved, etc. It is a well-known fact among the gymnasium community that if you do not bench press, you will die - hence the song title. In addition, mesomorphic individuals can often be found sporting tank tops featuring the words "Bench or Die." The music in this song has been scientifically proven to increase the amount of reps you can perform.
7. The Haunted Gym: A true story. Blasten was new in town, and looking for a place to do some late-night laps in the pool. According to Blasten:
“I checked around, and found an all-night gym, so I decided to give it a try. Well, to my surprise, this fuckin' place was haunted. That’s right; it had monsters, ghosts, and all other kinds of freaky shit. It totally blew my mind! I mean, I have heard of monster mashes, and Dracula’s infamous pajama-parties, but a haunted gym? C’mon. It was nuts, but it makes sense when you consider how awesomely powerful monsters are. Anyhow, I decided not to let it phase me, and went to sign up. Wouldn’t you know it - the fucking wolfman comes over and tells me I can’t join! He said something about having to be a ghoul, or some gay shit like that. So I kicked him in the nards and went to another gym down the road. I later sued the shit out of the Haunted Gym for discrimination, and got a huge settlement. They have since gone out of business…”
8. Nerd Germs: Another true story of a terrible epidemic that is worse than the bird flu, SARS and AIDS combined! Why has it been largely unreported among the major science and health journals? Because all those science/doctor types are a bunch of fuckin' nerds who want this disease to spread, that's why. This song gives details about what nerd germs will do to the human body and where these nerd germs are the most concentrated. BADITUDE has discovered that mesomorphic individuals have a higher tolerance against nerd germs than endomorphs and ectomorphs, thanks to the increased amounts of physical activity and Gatorade that the average mesomorph partakes in. A decrease in working out, sweating, fighting and Gatorade can and will lead to a nerd germ attack, rendering the once-proud mesomorph to become nothing more than a fuckin' nerd. BADITUDE will not let this happen. This song is specially formulated to help raise the body's levels of endorphines, testosterone and adrenaline, thereby helping to defeat any nerd germs in your system.
9. Nilbog Is Goblin Spelled Backwards: The third true story in a row that nobody knew about, until BADITUDE pulled the wool from your eyes! It’s like a David Icke book, except BADITUDE's tale is true. It recounts the events that led up to the infamous Waits family massacre back in '91. The Waits, who were neighbors of Blasten Pastyah, had gone on vacation to a small town in the country. There, they encountered a group of monstrous beings that have been swept into the corner of the cryptozoology cellar. These creatures are known as trolls! However, these trolls do not expose themselves outright. Instead, they disguise themselves as local hillbillies in order to lure curious city-folk, who are often intrigued with the rustic façade of typical country hospitality. The Waits, of course, fell victim to this and found themselves deep in the heart of the kingdom of the goblins - Nilbog. They tried to escape, and almost made it, but were followed back to their home by the trolls, where they were brutally murdered and eaten. The trolls still live there to this day, next door to Blasten, and he even has them over once in a while to watch professional wrestling on In Demand Pay Per View. Listen if you dare!
10. A World of D-Bags: Basically a day in the life of the members of BADITUDE and the things that they endure that truly infuriate them. Everything from the morning commute to the gym, to the shit that's on the radio at the gym, to the shit that's on the TVs by the treadmills at the gym. It's a non-stop battle with douchebags! And yet, if it weren't for the saturation of these D-bags in everyday life, there would be no BADITUDE. This song also encapsulates the rest of BADITUDE's worst enemies ever: first, there were the Christians, then the nerds, and now the D-bag classification that includes yuppies, emo hipsters, and celebrities. The list will continue.
11. Monosyllabic Mesomorph: A common practice amongst bodybuilding enthusiasts is the shortening of muscle group identification. Usually, the new "nicknames" for the affected muscle group is edited down to a single syllable (except, of course, "biceps"). There are conflicting schools of thought about why muscle groups are simplified to a single, guttural syllable. One group contends that the simplification helps personal trainers (a classically moronic bunch of people) remember the general description of a muscle group, without having to know that abs means "abdominals" and pecs means "pectorals", etc. The other major group proposes that it just sounds cooler and tougher for huge dudes to yell things that are one primitive syllable, especially words that pertain to muscles. BADITUDE definitely sides with the latter group, and this song stands as a testament to the raw power of monosyllabic muscle nicknames.
12. One More Rep (Give It 2 Me): BADITUDE’s way of life isn’t cheap. With all of the steroids and Gatorade BADITUDE goes through and all of the gas their massive trucks and muscle cars consume, album sales alone just don’t cut it. BADITUDE has been forced to take on odd jobs, such as construction/destruction, bodyguard duties, bear wrestling, and, of course, personal training. Focusing on personal training, this song shows how you can help your client get the most out of his or her routine. We find Blasten Pastyah spotting one of his clients, making sure that every ounce of energy is put into the workout. Blasten delivers strong words of encouragement and provides a positive, uplifting message, scientifically proven to increase results by 15ver steroids alone. This song is an ideal tool for other personal trainers to improve their effectiveness, and rapport with clients. It can also be used as a powerful motivational tool when played during your workout.
13. Don't Forget 2 Stretch: This is very important advice that anyone who engages in strenuous muscle activity must follow. Before your routine, in between sets, and after a vigorous workout, it is wise that you stretch. If you don't, you may die. Medical science has not yet determined just WHY stretching is effective and important. It is still one of the biggest mysteries of the athletic world. BADITUDE will one day solve this mystery. Until then, please make stretching a part of your daily routine. This particular song will help motivate the fuck out of you.
14. Go 4 It: Sometimes you try to do things and they just don’t work out the way you wanted them to. You might get really frustrated, and even though you try hard to do it and you take your time it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to. It's like you concentrate really hard and it doesn't work out. Everything you do and everything you try never turns out. It's like you need time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going “Hey Mike: You know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately. You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe you'll feel a lot better.” And you go “no, it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure it out. You know I'll just work by myself.” And they go “well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.” And you go “no I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself.” Well, BADITUDE is here to tell you that you don’t have to talk to those assholes about it. All you have to do is listen to this song. This song is just the motivation you need to take the lemons that life hands you and squeeze them into the eyes of small children, whilst laughing insanely. If you want to take control of your life, this song will give you the motivation, the tools and edge you need to do it right!
SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! GET YOURSELF A COPY OF "SAVAGE MONDO BLITZERS" RIGHT NOW!
TOP THAT,
BADITUDE
______________________________________________
"ALL CELEBRITIES ARE STUPID PIECE OF SHITS"
(04 Sep 2005)
REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS THAT HURRICANE? YEAH, IT TOTALLY FUCKED SHIT UP 2 THE XTREME. BADITUDE IS LIKE THAT HURRICANE IN MANY WAYS, AND BADITUDE CAN TRULY APPRECIATE THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF NATURAL DISASTERS. THEY CAN WIPE OUT CIVILATIONS IN A SINGLE DAY, JUST LIKE BADITUDE. BUT NOW WE MUST DEAL WITH THE WORST DISASTER FALLOUT OF ALL...THE CELEBRITY REACTIONS.
THOSE FUCKIN' CELEBRITY SON OF A BITCHES HAVE COME CRAWLING OUT OF THEIR SECLUDED DWELLINGS IN THE HILLS OF L.A. TO "HELP PEOPLE" AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, HELP THEIR CAREERS. WHY THE FUCK DOES ANYONE FIND IT NECESSARY TO ORGANIZE A STAR-STUDDED TELETHON TO RAISE MONEY?! THIS CRAZY NERD-TOOL KNOWN AS "CYBERSPACE" HAS MADE THE TELETHON MOOT, AT BEST. HOLY SHIT, THE MOST OBVIOUS ANSWER EVER IS STARING US ALL IN THE FACE, AND YET WE "REGULAR" DUDES WHO DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO BEGIN WITH ARE URGED TO DONATE OUR HARD-EARNED SCRATCH. WHAT IS THAT OBVIOUS ANSWER OF WHICH I SPEAK? MAKE THOSE FUCKING WEALTHY CELEBRITIES COUGH UP A DECENT CHUNK OF THEIR FORTUNES!!! I WILL BET YOU DOLLARS TO DONUTS THAT THE AMOUNT OF MONEY DONATED BY REGULAR NON-CELEBRITIES FAR SURPASSES THE SUM OF DONATIONS BY THE CELEBRITIES WHO ARE PRETENDING, OR "ACTING", LIKE THEY GIVE A SHIT. BADITUDE NO COMPRENDO!
WHY, JUST RECENTLY, BADITUDE WAS TREATED TO AN INTERVIEW ON CNN WITH SALINE DION, WHO WAS FREAKING OUT AND WIPING AWAY TEARS AS SHE EXPRESSED HER "CONCERN" WITH THE SITUATION IN N'AWLINS. BADITUDE COULDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS SAYING BECAUSE SHE'S A STUPID MONGOLOID. FUCK YOU, SALINE DION! SALINE DION AND HER MULTI-BILLIONAIRE PRODUCER HUSBAND CAN SAVE EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT NEEDS HELP IN N'AWLINS, WITH MONEY TO SPARE, BUT ARE THEY GOING TO? FUCK NO, DUDE. SALINE DION WILL PROBABLY JUST WRITE A SONG AND RELEASE AN ALBUM WITH A SMALL PORTION OF PROCEEDS POSSIBLY GOING TO HELP THE HURRICANE VICTIMS. DIDN'T SHE PULL THIS SHIT DURING THE 9/11 SITUATION?
AND THEN BADITUDE HEARD ABOUT THAT ANNOYING BITCH WE KNOW AS MACY GRAY. APPARENTLY, SHE JUST COULDN'T SLEEP OVER AT HER HOME IN L.A. (I'M NOT KIDDING) AND HAS BEGUN GOING OFF ABOUT HOW SUPPLIES ARE NEEDED IN N'AWLINS. FUCK THAT SHIT! HEY MACY GAY, WHY DON'T YOU GO BUY ALL THAT STUFF YOURSELF AND THEN DELIVER IT IN A PRIVATE JET? THAT MIGHT TAKE TOO MUCH WORK, THOUGH. JUST ENHANCE YOUR PUBLIC IMAGE AND RELEASE A RETARDED ALBUM. THAT'S ALL WE ASK.
THIS JUST IN: BADITUDE'S ENEMY, THE DOUCHE-ON-WHEELS HIMSELF, LANCE ARMSTRONG IS DONATING SOME MONEY TO CANCER PATIENTS AFFECTED BY THE HURRICANE. OH, HOW NICE OF HIM! YEAH, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THE DONATED AMOUNT IS $500,000. HALF A MILLION DOLLARS?! THAT'S ALL HE CAN DO? WOW, WHAT A NICE GUY! THAT FAG IS TOTALLY ROLLING IN THE DOUGH AND YET HE CAN'T EVEN COUGH UP AT LEAST A MILLION DOLLARS? I GUESS HE'S TOO BUSY FUCKING HIS NASTY WIFE TO BE CONCERNED WITH USING HIS VAST FORTUNE TO ACTUALLY HELP OUT. SAME WITH HIS NASTY WIFE...SHE SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE TO FEIGN COMPASSION. I HOPE THOSE 2 DIE IN A FIERY EXPLOSION.
FUCK ALL THOSE CELEBRITY COCKSUCKERS. THEY'RE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES AND THEY NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO MAKE THEIR SHITTY MOVIES AND MUSIC.
TOP THAT,
QUITCHER BICHEN, ONE-HALF OF BADITUDE
______________________________________________
"Holy Fucking Shit!"
(31 Aug 2005)
I was in the middle of a circuit, and I was riding my bike through town, when all of the sudden I notice what seems to be a faint smell of pears and arenes. I think to myself "what the fuck, is someone baking a pie, choc full o' aromatic hydrocarbons?" No, someone was not baking a pie. Instead, I happen to catch a glimpse of some stupid cunt driving whilst spraying her freshly-permed main of poodle hair with some sort of super-hold spray. Needless to say that I was enraged at the whole situation. Not only was she not paying attention to her driving, but the reason she wasn't paying attention is so that she could style her retarded fucking hair! Well, you can bet that ol' Blasten let fly with some awe-inspiring obscenities. This apparently startled the woman, as she began driving very frantically away. The problem is, I have superhuman speed, and there was a stoplight just ahead, so I quickly caught up with her, at which point I did a Yoga Fire on her head. As you can imagine, with all of the hairspray, her head went up like a match! After that, I went and did some pull ups.
I am sure she won't be too concerned with her hair anymore. The only thing she will be styling are the dressings on her 2nd and 3rd degree burns!
- Blasten Pastyah
______________________________________________
"Nice bracelet, fag!"
(28 Jun 2005)
Someone mentioned to us the other day that there is a really stupid trend on the loose, whereby people wear plastic bracelets with words on them, and these are supposed to signify something or other. For example, there is one that says "strength," and I guess it is supposed to make you strong, or something. Apparently, this whole crock o' shit was made quite popular by some puny asshole named Lance Armstrong, who is some douche who gets paid to ride through frog country on a ten-speed.
Well, you know things are pretty bad when this asshole is involved. After all, his name is Lance (homo) and he likes having a hard bicycle seat jammed into his taint for extended periods of time. Plus, his arms aren't strong at all. But, I didn't know how bad things were. That is until I see an article in the paper the other day about how fucking great these things are. Shit, was it that close to home? Later that day, (and Blasten shits you not) some asshole at my gym shows up with like three of these fucking things on. This was starting to creep me out. Then, another asshole wearing one of these goes over and starts asking him what his bracelets signify. I fucking lost it, man. I took both of their head and smashed them together like ripe mellons. It was like fucking hardcord Sledge-o-matic action in that gym. Brains and blood flew everywhere.
Now, maybe some of you assholes think that I reacted a bit harshly. Well, let me tell you. You do not change your fucking life by paying for a stupid piece of shit bracelet with some word on it. If you want strength, stop being a pussy and hit the gym. If you want to fight cancer, send a check to a lab. Don't run around like that bitch Lance Armstrong with some crappy merchandise strapped to your wrist. Fuck shit up the old fasioned way. Get some roids, get huge, and go nuts on shit.
Hey, now that I think about it, I have got some inspirational messages I would like to put on a bracelet, like maybe one that says "suck my balls," which will inspire some hot bitch to suck my balls! Hey, maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all.
Seriously, though. All of you inspirational-bracelet wearing assholes are on my shit list, and that includes you, Mr. Armstrong. If I come across any of you, I will see to it that the only wristband you will be wearing will be a hospital ID bracelet.
'Nuff said,
Blasten
______________________________________________
"How tough is BADITUDE?"
(03 May 2005)
A lot of people ask us "just how tough are you guys, anyway?" You really want to know!? Well, here is a partial list of our feats so that you may judge for yourselves. More will be added as we remember them...
(PLEASE NOTE: All of these feats have been caught on videotape and can all be completely verified)
- Blasten beat up 12 ninjas at once
- Quitcher punched a retard and made him normal, and then punched him again and made him retarded
- Blasten karate-chopped a station wagon in half
- Quitcher superplexed a polar bear off of the top ropes and totally pinned him
- Blasten place kicked the midget who played Simon Birch into the sun
- Quitcher killed a buffalo with his bare hands, and then ate the raw flesh
- Blasten crushed a priest's skull with a headlock
- Quitcher bench-pressed a semi truck
- Blasten created a black hole by spinning his nunchakus at the speed of light - he then used the black hole to travel back in time and assasinate Abraham Lincoln, and then set up John Wilkes Booth to take the fall
- Quitcher slam-dunked on some guy at the park
- Blasten raced AND beat a leopard (on foot)
- Quitcher is a 3 time WWF World Heavyweight Champion
- Blasten did like 5000 crunches
- Quitcher built a working motorcycle out of human bones that he harvested himself
- Blasten ate his own weight in steak at Outback, then had some dessert
- Quitcher went inside the Internet and beat the shit out of the Official Star Trek website
- Blasten possesses the Power of the Glow and used it to fuck up the Shogun of Harlem
- Quitcher kidnapped and murdered Jon Benet Ramsey
- Blasten threw a karate star through fifteen babies, who were all lined up in a single file line
- Quitcher single-handedly cleaned up Metro City
- Blasten starts forest fires in California
- Quitcher opened fire on a gathering of Pro-Life protesters outside of an abortion clinic, killing 5 and wounding 13
- Blasten put Terry Schiavo in that vegetable state with a single roundhouse kick
- Quitcher tiger-uppercutted Sagat, creating a huge, smoldering scar across his chest
- Blasten took a morbidly obese man in a wheelchair and threw him over a bridge - with one arm!
- Quitcher, on a bet, sat through an Ashton Kutcher movie and only vomited twice
- Blasten beat Resident Evil 4
- Quitcher recently stole the corpse of Pope John Paul II, ground it up into a fine powder, and snorted it up his nose
- Blasten set a nerd on fire, and then delivered a ridge-hand strike, breaking him in half like a stack of bricks
- Quitcher put a sasquatch in the ICU
- Blasten performed twenty-three partial-birth abortions in fifteen minutes, with his bare hands
- Quitcher towed an aircraft carrier with his back hair
- Blasten ate a zombie's brains
- Quitcher donated blood, and the guy who got his blood got really huge and totally raged on the doctors, killing all of them
- Blasten donated sperm, and the resulting child exploded from its mother's womb with a force rivaling that of a missile launcher
- Quitcher kicked the wolfman in the nards so hard that the wolfman's head totally blew up
- Blasten and Quitcher received free tickets to an advanced screening of Star Wars III: Return of the Sith and totally beat this shit out of all the nerds that were there, and we give that movie two thumbs DOWN because it's fuckin' lame
______________________________________________
"4/20 - POPES AND DOPE"
(19 Apr 2005)
MESSAGE TO THE NEW POPE:
HEY DUDE. YOU'VE JUST ENTERED A WORLD OF PAIN. BADITUDE IS GONNA FUCK YOU UP. BRO, WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOUR PAPAL REIGN THE SHORTEST ONE EVER. WE'RE GONNA SHOVE THAT POINTY HAT INTO YOUR DICKHOLE. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, ASSHOLE.
FROM, BADITUDE
(AND BY THE WAY, THE NEW POPE CONTACTED US ABOUT PURCHASING A COPY OF "DENIM VENOM" AND WE TOTALLY DENIED HIM! PSYCHE! IN YOUR FACE, POPE BENEDICKHEAD!)
______________________________________________
"Chimps got BADITUDE!"
(12 Mar 2005)
So, the other day, Quitcher and I sent out a test copy of our CD (to be released VERY soon) to this animal sanctuary in California. Well, they were playing our track "Consider Your Ass Kicked" for some of the animals there, and let me tell you, things went nuts. Apparently, there was this feeble old nerdy guy and his wife who were visitng the place at the time. I think the guys name was something retarded like St. James Davis, and no, I am not joking about that. So, anyhow, I guess two of the chimps were pretty pumped after hearing CYAK, and when they saw that fag, they went apeshit (PUN INTENDED). So, these two chimps bust loose, and totally fuck this guy up. Not only did they attack his face, biting his nose and most of the flesh away, but then they took a cue straight from the song by cutting off his little nuts, and then eating them. I think that they may also have smashed a calculator that he had in his pocket, although the reports are sketchy. In any case, those fucking primates know how to do it. They have got Baditude to the extreme. Of course, it all ended when some pussy went and shot them. If he was any kind of man, he would have battled them hand-to-hand with ancient martial-arts techniqes. But, such is life. The powers that be are out to turn us all into a bunch of weak little pussies.
See you at the gym,
Blasten
______________________________________________
"Oscars"
(01 Mar 2005)
OK, so Baditude doesn't really watch that many movies, and the ones that we do watch don't get oscars, so we don't watch the show, or really have an opinion on it other than they are probably really gay. However, everywhere I look, I see nothing but articles and TV shows about what the people at the show were wearing (I really need to take the TV out of my gym). Who gives a fuck? You people make me sick. Oooh, look at that designer dress, and that fancy chunk of carbon. Fuck you! How retarded is our society that we actually care what some douche, who gets paid millions of dollars to pretend to be someone else, wears? It makes me want to punch a hole through something. Shit! It is all a bunch of worthless nonsense. After all, the only things that matter about clothes are how well they insulate, and how well you can work out in them.
Get a fucking life, people. There are better things to do than to waste your time with gay shit like that. If I had it my way, though, the only thing that these asshole movie stars would be wearing would be full-body casts, or their own flesh turned inside out.
Blasten
______________________________________________
"BAD BIO: PART ONE"
(12 Feb 2005)
IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE US SEEM MORE "HUMAN" AND "LIKEABLE", BADITUDE PRESENTS PART ONE OF OUR EPIC AUTOBIOGRAPHY...
SIPPING COLD LEMONADE WITH A COUPLE OF NATIVE LOVELIES, BLASTEN PASTYAH AND QUITCHER BICHEN (GUERILLA WARRIORS EXTRAORDINAIRE) RELAX ON A RIO BEACH AND BOAST OF HOW THEY DESTROYED THE VILE ALIEN WAR MONGER, RED FALCON. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW THAT RED FALCON DIDN'T FLEE WITH HIS POINTED TAIL BETWIXT HIS LEGS. INSTEAD, HE TACTICALLY RETREATED TO ROUND-UP RUFFIANS OF THE UNIVERSE, FRIENDS FROM ALL WALKS OF WAR, TO MOUNT A SECOND ASSAULT ON PLANET EARTH.
ONE OF THESE NEW RECRUITS IS JAGGER FROID, A DEMENTED ALIEN FROM THE BLACK HOLE GALAXY, WHO DISHES OUT PUNISHMENT WITH A LASER SHARP TONGUE. RED FALCON HAS ALSO SHUTTLED IN THE BABALU DESTRUCTOID MECHANISM, A GIANT ALIEN ATTACK TANK, WHICH WAS THE PRIMARY WEAPON USED TO DISINTEGRATE THE INNOCENT SOLAR SYSTEM OF TRALALA.
BUT THE GENIUS BEHIND RED FALCON'S EARTH CONQUERING CONCEPT IS HIS PLAN TO HAVE THOUSANDS OF INTERGALACTIC WARRIORS SEEP INTO THE BRAINS OF THE U.S. ARMY. IT'S A MIND CONTAMINATION TRICK WHICH HAS ALREADY TAKEN COMMAND OF U.S. FORCES AT FORT FIRE STORM.
NOW, IF BLASTEN AND QUITCHER FAIL TO RECUPERATE FROM THEIR MONTHS ON THE BEACH IN TIME TO DESTROY RED FALCON'S G.I. FORTIFIED HATE NEST, HIS SINISTER SCHEME WILL PERMEATE THE WORLD'S MIGHTIEST POWER (NUCLEAR MISSILE SILOS INCLUDED). AND IF THAT HAPPENS, WE'LL ALL BE PUSHING UP DAISIES.
CURRENTLY, BLASTEN AND QUITCHER ARE WORKING ON THEIR DEBUT ALBUM. TO BE CONTINUED...
______________________________________________
"Cuz christmas fucking blows, that's why!"
(25 Dec 2004)
Well, here it is. My favorite Christian co-opted pagan celebration-turned corporate extravaganza has come to fruition, once again. Finally, this season of gay shit is concluded. Why is it so gay, you ask? Well, for one, the gay music. Nothing makes me angrier than hearing shitty, weak music about a fat old pervert who has kids sit in his lap in exchange for presents, and his team of magical reindeer that tow his fat ass to kids houses, probably so he can whack off while watching them sleep. Oh, don't forget songs about yule logs, trees, snowy fields, and other gay shit.
Now, as if that isn't enough, I have a bunch of assholes spreading holiday cheer. These typically surly fucks seem to have each other fooled, but I am not. Shut your hole, dick! If it weren’t for the fact that some assholes are about to give you something for nothing, you wouldn't give one shit about being merry. Well, I will tell you that you are certainly not getting anything from me, so you can just cut the shit. In a similar vein, people are always telling me that I should be nice, because it is Christmas. What the fuck, people? Are you saying if I am a dick on June 25th, it is OK, but since some fag somewhere decided that he would have the celebration of some dead lunatic who thought he was a god in December, I should change me behavior? I don't believe in fairy-tales, and I don't change my personality with the seasons.
And this whole gift thing is pretty gay, too. When I want something, I buy it. If I don't buy something, it is because it is too expensive. If I can't afford it, you probably can't either. As such, I don't need your crap. Yet, it never seems to fail that certain retards think they have the one thing I want, but didn't know I wanted. Yeah, sure. Instead, I just end up with a bunch of useless, dust-collecting shit that I will probably just smash or shoot. It is a complete waste of my time. To make matters worse, people then expect something in return. Asshole, why didn't you just buy something for yourself instead of wasting on something I hate. I didn't ask for that shit, nor do I want it. I also don't want to give you anything. I never made a deal with you. It is like extortion, or some shit like that. If it is really about giving, then give me a break and fuck off. You aren't getting anything from me, so don't even try it. There are no handouts.
Another thing that has been driving me mad which is somewhat related is the weather. Here in Ohio, we have been hammered with snow and ice. For me, it is no sweat. I just park my Camaro and hop into my monster-truck, and off I go. But the rest of these assholes around here seem to have been caught off guard. Let's see, it snows every fucking year, so what do you think the chances are that it will snow again this year? I would say good. But, these fags refuse to believe it, and I am left to navigate roads full of people who have either gotten stuck in the snow, stalled, or who only do 20 fucking mph on the highway. Shit! Get a fucking car that works in the snow. Oh, and while you are at it, quit bitching that you can't do your last minute shopping, or that the stupid sweater you bought has been delayed in North fucking Carolina. You knew when chirstmas was, so why couldn't you fucking plan in advance, you stupid retard.
So, what do I do on Christmas? I max out on protein and hit the gym, hard. Fuck yeah!
- Blasten Pastyah
______________________________________________
"Where have all of the nerds gone?"
(20 Nov 2004)
Blasten here,
The other day, I was really pumped up after a massive lifting session, so I went out to look for some nerds to beat. Usually, I can find a few just walking down the street, so I took a cruise in my Camaro, exploring the usual nerd thoroughfares. To my dismay, I found not one nerd. So, I decided that I should go down to the library. Nerds love books. So, I kick open the library door, and charge in, only to find it empty. Well, maybe the local museum would have some nerds. No dice. Every typical nerd haunt was abandoned. I was starting to get worried. What had happened to all of the nerds? While it has been a dream of mine to rid the world of nerds, I wanted it to be at my own hands. I certainly wasn't responsible for this, and I was pissed.
Having found no nerds, I went for a run around the block, to help clear my head. Suddenly, I heard a familiar sound. It was the snorting laughter of a nerd. No, wait, it was a group of nerds. Not one, not two, not even three; at least 8 nerds could be heard. Aha! Using my keen nerd-detecting abilities, I zeroed in on the laughter, and pinpointed it to be coming from the house across the street from where I had been running. So, without haste, I charged to the house, and busted through the front window. There it was - a HALO 2 party. SHIT! I had forgotten. It seems that a host of video games had just been released, and all of the nerds were celebrating. After breathing a sigh of relief, I started kicking ass. Using the retardedly massive X-Box as a tool, I began to beat in the heads of all of the nerds present. One tried to run, but I hurled the X-Box at his back, shattering his spine. The rest were beaten into a bloody mess with little effort. I then smashed all of their games, and their Star Wars DVDs. It was wonderful.
So, there you have it. If you have been wondering where the nerds have gone, just listen for the sound of some fag mashing away at an X-Box controller, as he does "battle" with his fag pals. Locate the source, and you will have located the nerds. As for me, I prefer to do battle the old-fasioned way - with a lead pipe and a chain.
______________________________________________
"FIRST OFFICIAL BADITUDE STREET FIGHT"
(02 Nov 2004)
HEADS UP, ASSHOLES! QUITCHER BICHEN'S ON THE PROWL. RECENTLY, A CERTAIN ORGANIZATION HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION. THEY ARE KNOWN AS THE "CENTER FOR MORAL CLARITY" AND THEY ARE A BUNCH OF CHRISTIAN FUCKERS WITHIN A RELATIVELY CLOSE PROXIMITY TO BADITUDE'S HOME BASE. AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THEY WERE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABORTION BANNER THAT WAS FLOWN OVER MY HOUSE. I HAVE JUST TAKEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONTACT THE CENTER FOR MORAL CLARITY'S HEAD HONCHO, PASTOR ROD PARSLEY, BY E-MAIL. CHECK THIS OUT, DUDES:
This is a message for Rod Parsley:
Parsley, my name is Quitcher Bichen, of the group known as "Baditude". I am officially calling you out for a one-on-one, no-holds-barred street fight. I will allow you to select the location, the time, and the date. "Baditude" is from the Cleveland area and we are willing to travel to Columbus if you so choose. I will also give you the option of choosing to battle either myself or my cohort, Blasten Pastyah. This basically means that you have a choice between power and technical prowess. I, Quitcher Bichen, am like a tank at 6'4" and I have perfected the devastating Tiger Uppercut as well as a unique variety of sleeper hold. Blasten Pastyah, on the other hand, is technically sound with his combination of martial artistry and submission holds. The choice is yours, Parsley. Of course, there will be no blades or firearms allowed. Weapons like bats, chains, 2x4s, and environmental hazzards are acceptable. If you refuse our request, we will consider it a victory for Baditude. We will give you as much time as you need to decide when and where you would like to fight, but we expect a reply to this message immediately. If you do not reply to this message by 12:00 AM on Nov. 9, 2004, you will have forfeited your opportunity.
You may be asking yourself, "why is 'Baditude' challenging me to a street fight?" This reason is simple...whether you realize it or not, you have asked for it. You are a Christian who is obsessed with total control. Blasten Pastyah and I are Nietzsche-style Fighting Atheists. We despise Christians and we despise people who attempt to contain us. We are ready and willing to do battle with theologically-minded fools who dare force their beliefs upon us. And since you feel it necessary to force Christian beliefs upon us, through governmental tyranny, you must be ready for a backlash. Baditude lives by a code of Honor, not through politics. Hopefully, you now understand why this no-holds-barred street fight must take place. Please do not be a wussy about it.
Sincerely,
Quitcher Bichen, one-half of Baditude
AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS IS THE FIRST OF MANY OFFICIAL STREET FIGHTS THAT BADITUDE WILL BE PROPOSING TO OUR ENEMIES. IF PASTOR PARSLEY DOES NOT RESPOND, HE IS A FUCKING PUSSY! HE TALKS A LOT OF SHIT, BUT CAN HE BACK IT UP? WE WILL SEE. ALSO, HIS NAME IS STUPID. "ROD PARSLEY". WHATEVER. HE DESERVES THE MOST BRUTAL OF ASS-WHOOPINGS.
SOON, BADITUDE PLANS ON PROPOSING NO-HOLDS-BARRED STREET FIGHTS TO SHITTY DOUCHE-CORE BANDS, OTHER RELIGIOUS GROUPS, AND THE WEALTHY ELITE. IF THEY DON'T RESPOND, THEY LOSE. WE WILL KEEP A SCORE CARD. AND WE ARE GUARANTEED VICTORY.
TOP THAT
~ Q.B.
______________________________________________
"QUITCHER BICHEN WEIGHS IN"
(22 Oct 2004)
HEY THERE, MOTHERFUCKERS. THIS IS QUITCHER, COMING AT YOU! SO ANYWAYS, I JUST GOT HOME FROM A 3-HOUR WORKOUT AT THE GYM. AS I STEPPED OUT OF MY HUMMER H2, I HEARD THE MUFFLED BUZZ OF A SMALL AIRCRAFT FLYING OVERHEAD. I DECIDED TO LOOK UP AND CHECK IT OUT, SO I TILTED MY HEAD BACK SLOWLY (QUICK NECK MOTIONS AFTER WORKING OUT YOUR TRAPEZIUS COULD BE FATAL). LO AND BEHOLD, THEIR IS A LARGE BANNER ATTACHED TO THE AIRCRAFT! USING MY HAWK-LIKE LASER EYESIGHT, I ZONED IN ON THE BANNER SO THAT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO READ IT. HERE IS WHAT THE BANNER SAID:
"10 WEEK ABORTION". NEXT TO THAT WAS WHAT LOOKED LIKE A PICTURE OF AN ABORTED FOETUS (IT COULD HAVE BEEN LASAGNA, THOUGH). BELOW ALL THIS WAS AN 800 NUMBER.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS SEEING. OBVIOUSLY, I LOATHE CHRISTIANS AND THEIR "VALUES", BUT THIS LITTLE STUNT OF THEIRS WAS TAKING THE BATTLE INTO MY TERRITORY. THAT AIN'T A WISE MOVE, BITCHES. ALMOST INSTINCTIVELY, I GRABBED A BRICK FROM THE LARGE PILE OF BRICKS I KEEP IN MY FRONT YARD. I THEN HURLED THIS BRICK AT THE AIRCRAFT...JUST MISSING IT! I BELIEVE I MISCALCULATED THE WIND SPEED. LET'S HOPE THAT THE BRICK CRUSHED A CHRISTIAN SKULL AS IT FELL TO EARTH.
FRIENDS, I GIVE YOU MY WORD THAT IF BADITUDE EVER FINDS OUT WHAT "ORGANISATION" IS BEHIND THIS BULLSHIT, WE WILL SMASH THEIR FACES IN WITH A SLEDGE HAMMER. BETTER YET, WE WILL CRUSH THEIR HEADS LIKE WATERMELONS, GALLAGHER-STYLE, WITH OUR HOMEMADE "SLEDGE-O-MATIC". THEN I WILL TAKE A PICTURE OF THEIR BLOODY CORPSES AND PUT IT ON A GIANT BANNER THAT READS "DON'T FUCK WITH BADITUDE", AND BENEATH THAT I WILL WRITE "WWW.MYSPACE.COM/BADITUDE"
SHORTLY THEREAFTER, I WILL MAKE BUMPER STICKERS OUT OF THIS BANNER IDEA.
SHIT, DUDE! I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN DOWN THAT 800 NUMBER! I COULD CALL IT AND TOTALLY SCREAM AT THEM MUCH LIKE I DO IN THE SONG "CONSIDER YOUR ASS KICKED". SOMETHING LIKE "HEY CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKER! YOU GOTTA PROBLEM? YOU WANNA START SOMETHING? ALRIGHT, LET'S DO IT, BITCH!" AND SO FORTH.
BADITUDE WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS IN THE WAR WITH PRO-LIFE ASSHOLES. THIS IS DEFINITELY A WAR THAT WE WILL WIN.
FROM, QUITCHER BICHEN
______________________________________________
"Fools!"
(30 Sep 2004)
Before I begin, let me note that the following is greatly abbreviated due to time constraints.
I heard someone today speaking about a "prayer chain." The first thing that went through my head is "you fool!" Seriously, folks, let us get real. Obviously, since Baditude does not believe in any gods, the whole notion is ridiculous. However, let us assume for the sake of argument that there is a god of some sort. What, prithee tell (no pun) is prayer supposed to accomplish? You say your god is a perfect, omniscient, benevolent being. Yet, you also believe that groveling, nay, kissing his ass and begging at his feet with prayer will sway his opinion. What sort of god would that make? I will tell you. If there is a god, and he grants favours based upon how well you beg (and only then in a random way), then he is a petty and sadistic being. How can one be perfect, and yet have human characteristics as such, and how can one be benevolent whilst choosing to help some and not others, and asking for one to beg through prayer? Surely, this is more like a politician or a crime syndicate, granting favors to pals, or staying off punishment to those who give the most money.
People; be realistic. When a boxer knocks out a man, it isn't because he prayed to god. He just trained better, and was a better fighter (no matter how much he thinks he owes it to god). When a kid dies of cancer whilst his whole church prays, it isn't because their god ignored the prayers. It is because doctors couldn't cure him. Even if there were a god, and this is the way he chose to operate, then prayer would still be worthless, as there is no order or pattern to suggest it has ever been effective.
So, to sum it up, if there is a god, prayer obviously doesn't work. If it did, it would contradict the way most religions describe their gods. If there isn't a god, you are an even bigger idiot for asking favours from an invisible man in another dimension somewhere. So, in short, prayer is worthless, and you need to stop relying on them to get things done. If you really want to break through barriers and accomplish near-miracles, you have to remove the shackles of religion, get up off of your lazy ass, and do it yourself! After all, what has curbed the advancement of our society more than the tyranny of religion?
God Bless
Blasten
______________________________________________
"Strangulation saves the day!"
(19 Sep 2004)
Hello,
Let me tell you about an incident I was involved in over the weekend. I was driving down the street in my sweet Iroc Z (house) when some dumb bitch decides to try and lpull out of her driveway right in front of me. Now, I have been told that you should check in both directions, twice, before venturing out onto the street. Apparently, she hadn't, or she would have seen me coming. So, I lay on the horn and lock up my tires. She proceedes to extend her middle finger in some sort of lewd gesture. I then tell her where to put that finger.
Well, her boyfriend, who was in the passenger seat, decided that he would attempt to defend the honour of his bitch. So, this fool steps out of the car, dressed in his douche-wear, with his visor cocked to the side. I couldn't believe my eyes. Was this really happening? Yes, this scrawny punk thought that he would get tough with Blasten. So, I exit my car, and he approaches me. The ensuing conversation went a little something like this:
Kid: "Yo, dude, you got a problem?"
Blasten: "Your fucking retarded bitch there doesn't know how to drive. I suggest that you send her back to driving school."
Kid: "Fuck you! I'll kick your fucking ass!"
Blasten: "Dude, I will fuck you up ten ways till tuesday. If you value your life, leave now."
Kid: "I ain't afraid of you, dog."
Blasten: "Bring it on, you little homo."
At that point, the kid decides to try and tackle me. What he hadn't counted on is the fact that ol' Blasten is well versed in the ways of the martial arts, including Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. So, I brace my frame for the impending hit of all 140 pounds of this douche, and upon impact I quickly lock up his arm and his neck in a sweet arm-lock/choke hold combo. The little fucker couldn't escape; I had completely immobilized his arm, and constricted his carotid artery. Before he knew it, he was out cold.
His girfriend came screaming out of the car. How ironic it was that she was now tending to him. In any case, I informed her that if they ever crossed paths with me again, the only thing that they would be driving would be motorized wheelchairs, and that she is lucky that I wasn't going to press charges for assault. I also told her that she should tell her boyfriend to hit the gym. What a little bitch he was.
There you have it, folks. I don't go around looking for fights, but if you ever decide you want to start something with Blaste, you had better be packing heat.
Sincerely,
Blasten Pastyah
______________________________________________
"The dangers of Clamato"
(11 Sep 2004)
Hello everyone,
There is a beverage out there that I must speak to you about. This particular concoction is know as "Clamato." "What is Clamato" you ask? Well, let me put it to you this way: Clamato is liquid death. It isn't the kind of death that takes you silently into the darkness, like one of my patented choke-holds. No, Clamato is a slow, burning death of ages. It is a death that burdens you and tears you apart, as you fester in agony.
Now, technically speaking, Clamato is a blend of tomato juice, some other shit, and a healthy dose of dehydrated clam broth. Seriously. There is fucking clam broth in this stuff. Supposedly, this stuff is quite popular for making mixed drinks and cocktails. However, since alcohol and getting huge don't go hand in hand, I wouldn't know about that sort of thing. I only know of the flavor of straight Clamato.
You may be wondering why I would try such an absurd thing as drinking Clamato straight. Well, tomato juice is a healthy beverage, and when made at home, it can be made to be rather tasty. However, sometimes you can't whip up your own stuff, and as such are forced to get store-bought stuff in its stead. So, whilst shopping, a friend of mine suggested I try Clamato. So, I did, and it was quite an exprerience.
The first thing you notice is the viscous nature of the drink. It is a sickening feeling indeed. After that, you notice the overpowering tomato flavor, like a cold tomato soup that had been cooked too long. Then, you get hit with the clam. It is a triple-hit combo that would fell lesser men in an instant. I however, took the blow in stride. What I hadn't bargained on is that my sadistic friends would bet me to chug the Clamato. Never having backed down from a bet, I chugged. It was like a creeping death flowing through my gastric system. A sickening, uneasy feeling welled up in my stomache. My head slowly began to throb. Some gross electrolytic imbalance began to culminate. The wrath of clamato was beginning to set in. I saw the shadows closing in. The cold embrace of death was surely on its way.
Fortunately I survived, and I now give you this warning: Stay away from Clamato at all costs! Heed my words, people, or you may not fare so well.
As a side note, though: you could probably make some interesting bloody vomit effects for a movie by chugging clamato, and then inducing vomiting (which may occur anyway).
______________________________________________
"On the subject of nerds."
(27 Aug 2004)
We get a lot of questions regarding our distaste for nerds. Typically, people want to know why we hate them so much. They would argue that nerds are responsible for some of our greatest accomplishments as humans. Well, allow me to set the matter straight.
You see, Baditude sees a difference between nerds, and those who happen to be highly intelligent, and highly motivated, although perhaps not in the greatest of health. Nerds, while perhaps smart, accomplish nothing. You see, we do not characterize someone as a nerd simply because of their aptitude, or their pale complexion and weak physique. No, there is much more that goes into a nerd, as we see it.
Firstly, nerds are weak - weak muscles, weak bones, weak lungs, and weak eyes. There is no exception. All nerds are weak, although not all that are weak are nerds. They have soft bodies, with a high punchability factor, and break a sweat merely thinking about the next batch of swiss rolls that they are about to consume. They have the muscle density of a calf raised to be veal.
Secondly, nerds are obsessive. Now, many of the greatest human beings have been monomaniacs. However, nerds are obsessive. They do not focus on certain things just to become great, or to achieve the maximum results. They are instead poorly adjusted, and emotionally unfit, and thus fixate in an unhealthy fasion.
Thirdly, nerds rely too much on fantasy (something that ties in with the unhealthy obsession). Rather than kick ass and take names, in order to rectify the erring of our world, they retreat to fictional existences. Consider the Dungeons and Dragons scene of the 80s. Countless nerds would lock themselves in the basement whilst pretending to be elves and warlocks and things of that nature. They were just fat nerds, accomplishing nothing, except for pissing off their parents. Later, there came video-game nerds. Now, a little relaxation with a game like Bad Dudes is OK. But, dying of dehydration in the bathroom of an internet cafe because you couldn't pull yourself away from your on-line video game is just retarded. Here is a tip - fuck shit up! If reality sucks that much for you, then start busting skulls. If you can't do that, then kill yourself, and let us allocate the resources you would have wasted.
One thing about nerds is that they typically do not reproduce. This is perhaps the only redeeming factor. We certainly do not need a bunch a myopic, obese losers having myopic, obese loser kids. So, in a way, it is good that they are so socially inept. However, this does not enough to negate our disdain for nerds.
So, you see, nerds are more than just monomaniacal geeks. Unlike the sometimes eccentric geniuses that some would classify as nerds, true nerds are unhealthy both physically and mentally, and, they do not achieve greatness in any useful form.
We do not need a bunch of nerds taking up our precious resources, and slowing down our onward movement towards a more awesome, and bad-ass future. Nerds should be chewed up and spit out. They deserve to be left bleeding on the pavement. Contribute, or die!
Your friend,
Blasten
______________________________________________